Saturday, 28 May 2016

A Real Asshole Dominant is a thing

I'm interested in how words get used. I also swear a lot and I write smut now and then so I'm particularly interested in colloquialisms, profanity, taboo words and swearing.

Humans are emotional,  judgement making,  value-attaching creatures and so many ostensibly neutral words function as anything but,  to the point when words that are entirely descriptive  become value laden.  

Sometimes a curious thing happens: as people start attaching a positive  or negative value to a neutral descriptive word, the range of its applications narrows down.

The argument of whether rape is of isn't about sex is partially about that.  The discussion of whether sex work is work is also partially about that.

And the often-brought up notion of a "fake dominant" is also about that. 

Numerous posts and articles list red flags submissives should look out for that might suggest a dominant might be dangerous,  predatory, or simply a selfish asshole.  Or fake.

I find the last case fascinating because it makes a massive semantic leap. Instead of saying: some doms are assholes,  these are warning signs,  they say: it's impossible to be a real dom and an asshole. An asshole dom is a fake dom.  "Dominance" and "unethical behaviour" thus become mutually exclusive categories.  

For me it's a shortcut too far. 

It's entirely possible to be kinky, with any flavour of the kink,  including dominance/submission, and behave in a selfish, predatory, callous, or simply stupid or reckless manner. Such repeated behaviour might make a person a bad human being, or an untrustworthy dom or sub of whom people would be well advised to stay clear,  but it doesn't say anything at all about how ''real'' their kink is. 

Why is this semantic shift is even happening?

I feel that part of it involves representatives of an alternative lifestyle trying to whitewash the public image of kink.  It's easy to say "if they did that,  they are not a dominant,  real dominant would never do that. Hey,  they are not Our People, why,  Our People are lovely, never do this kind of thing, these are impostors."

But "dominant" and "submissive" are descriptive terms and they don't - - and in my opinion shouldn't - - imply a positive value judgement.  Some dominants are assholes and some are lovely.  Some submissives are assholes and some are paragons of  integrity. Some vanilla people are assholes and some are really pretty trustworthy.  Yeah,  I know,  that last one came as a surprise too. 

Friday, 27 May 2016

On coming to terms

I have a few drafts cooking but as they are a little bit ranty, I thought I'd make my first Proper Post a positive one.

One reads a lot about submissives struggling with and coming to terms with their submissive,  and particularly masochistic desires. There's definitely less said about dominants' inner conflicts.  Don't you (you,  my hypothetical imaginary reader,  yes,  you) think it's weird?

Maybe doms and other assorted toppy types don't blog or write or analyse and overthink as much as the subs.  Or maybe they feel the need to maintain a certain mystique of power and confidence, whether for the potential playpartners or the Great Domhood Community.  A  bit like women not talking shit about women in case they get accused of betraying the sisterhood, and so on (insert another group whose members need to carry the proud standard of their collective identity here).

But fuck it.  I'm not looking for a playmate here and the GDC will manage fine without my holding the line.

So I think it IS surprising, the focus on the sub/masochist conflict and struggle in coming to terms with their sexuality.  It is surprising how,  in the kink context,  the "dark and shameful and deeply private desires" so often mentioned are mostly ones that involve kneeling,  being told what to do,  being called names, getting hurt, beaten,  humiliated and used.

It is surprising how much less these conventional tropes for discussing kinky needs are applied to the desire to control, humiliate and hurt.

Maybe I'm a flaky dominant and an even flakier sadist but I struggle.  I struggle with ethical and emotional reconciling of the things that make me incredibly, throbbingly, dizzilly aroused.

Yes, I know the difference between consensual bdsm play and abuse.  I know that fantasy is not reality. I know the sub has a lot of power.  I don't think I'm a Bad Person because of what turns me on.  I know all these things very well.

But I also know that one of the common claims of the BDSM community, the one of BDSM not being violence,  is pure and utter bullshit. I know that belief that consent means there's no violation is bullshit too.

I'm not going to attempt to elaborate or discuss in depth any of this now,  but it's pretty obvious that what we do - -  what I play with when I play with my kink - - is violence,  violation and pain.  Yes,  it's consensual. Yes, it is immensely satisfying and sometimes leads to much more than just momentary sexual pleasure.  But it still is violence, violation and pain.

And sometimes things are not that simple. I have read (fictional) scenes of decidedly non consensual violation that turned me on,  even though they have not been written as erotica.  I have seen (staged) images that turned me on even though their purpose was to disturb, scare and repulse me.

Maybe,  if you are reading this, and are a sadistic top,  you're not like this. Maybe a picture of a beautiful,  bruised face with a cut lip on a huge domestic violence awareness poster never made you heart rate rise and your breath halt the way it happened to me before I got close enough to see the context and the text. Or maybe it didn't bother you because you know the difference between the fantasy,  fiction and reality. Maybe you are not bothered about thought crimes.

Good for you. I get bothered though.  And I used to get bothered much, much more.

And that is why I'm eternally grateful to those who told me,  and who showed me, that their desires were a mirror image of what I lust after.

To those who not just wanted me to hurt and violate them because it satisfied their kinks  but who wanted me to really want it.

Who wanted me wanting them like this.

Who saw my monster and didn't back off, scared or curving his mouth in disgust but who said, head down,  eyes up,  "Yes. Please."

Thank you.

Monday, 16 May 2016


Many years ago - and I  mean,  long enough for a substantial proportion of current users of the Internet to be in barely-verbal stage then - I noticed that I was forgetting some of the less memorable of All the Men I've Ever Had Sex With.  And so I decided to make a list,  and notes on each.  Before they disappear into the black hole of memory loss and oblivion.

I got myself a WordPress account and made a plan to,  well,  blog that list.

And that was it.  I never even made the first post.

The WordPress page eventually got used for other purposes, and 40+ pieces of smut posted on several erotica sites, three tumblr accounts,  a couple of T&C defying FB pages, and last but not least,  probably at least 10 Twitter accounts later,  I still don't really have a blog thing.

But I've been really enjoying reading some of the sex blogs of others recently,  in particular the wonderful diversity,  sexiness and sense of the Girl on the Net.

So I got inspired. Again.  And I'm going to start and see how it goes.