One reads a lot about submissives struggling with and coming to terms with their submissive, and particularly masochistic desires. There's definitely less said about dominants' inner conflicts. Don't you (you, my hypothetical imaginary reader, yes, you) think it's weird?
Maybe doms and other assorted toppy types don't blog or write or analyse and overthink as much as the subs. Or maybe they feel the need to maintain a certain mystique of power and confidence, whether for the potential playpartners or the Great Domhood Community. A bit like women not talking shit about women in case they get accused of betraying the sisterhood, and so on (insert another group whose members need to carry the proud standard of their collective identity here).
But fuck it. I'm not looking for a playmate here and the GDC will manage fine without my holding the line.
So I think it IS surprising, the focus on the sub/masochist conflict and struggle in coming to terms with their sexuality. It is surprising how, in the kink context, the "dark and shameful and deeply private desires" so often mentioned are mostly ones that involve kneeling, being told what to do, being called names, getting hurt, beaten, humiliated and used.
It is surprising how much less these conventional tropes for discussing kinky needs are applied to the desire to control, humiliate and hurt.
Maybe I'm a flaky dominant and an even flakier sadist but I struggle. I struggle with ethical and emotional reconciling of the things that make me incredibly, throbbingly, dizzilly aroused.
Yes, I know the difference between consensual bdsm play and abuse. I know that fantasy is not reality. I know the sub has a lot of power. I don't think I'm a Bad Person because of what turns me on. I know all these things very well.
But I also know that one of the common claims of the BDSM community, the one of BDSM not being violence, is pure and utter bullshit. I know that belief that consent means there's no violation is bullshit too.
I'm not going to attempt to elaborate or discuss in depth any of this now, but it's pretty obvious that what we do - - what I play with when I play with my kink - - is violence, violation and pain. Yes, it's consensual. Yes, it is immensely satisfying and sometimes leads to much more than just momentary sexual pleasure. But it still is violence, violation and pain.
And sometimes things are not that simple. I have read (fictional) scenes of decidedly non consensual violation that turned me on, even though they have not been written as erotica. I have seen (staged) images that turned me on even though their purpose was to disturb, scare and repulse me.
Maybe, if you are reading this, and are a sadistic top, you're not like this. Maybe a picture of a beautiful, bruised face with a cut lip on a huge domestic violence awareness poster never made you heart rate rise and your breath halt the way it happened to me before I got close enough to see the context and the text. Or maybe it didn't bother you because you know the difference between the fantasy, fiction and reality. Maybe you are not bothered about thought crimes.
Good for you. I get bothered though. And I used to get bothered much, much more.
And that is why I'm eternally grateful to those who told me, and who showed me, that their desires were a mirror image of what I lust after.
To those who not just wanted me to hurt and violate them because it satisfied their kinks but who wanted me to really want it.
Who wanted me wanting them like this.