Saturday, 18 June 2016

as if there was no difference

A very small part of an entirely different, bigger thing.  Extracting and posting this little snippet was inspired by this story by @19syllables


...we were sitting at a table on the small terrace, shaded from the late afternoon sun by the olive and pine trees, the softened light dappled on the weathered wood of the table, your white shirt and your skin. 



I took a fig from the blue and white ceramic bowl, just soft enough, purple-black; carefully loosened the stalk with my fingers and broke it open. 

Raggedy ripe, dark red flesh full of sweet stickiness clinging to the seeds. 

''Eat it out,'' I said, passing it across the table.

You looked startled by my choice of words, and maybe more so by the movement of my leg under the table, stretching out, my bare foot pressed against your inner thigh, sliding further up to your groin. 

''No teeth,'' I added, laughing.

You picked the fruit up, carefully, like a challenge, brought it to your face, inhaled the scent, a deep breath and a long exhale turning into a sigh, a moan almost, your thin lips touching the untidy pale edges, your mouth opening, your tongue appearing in a quick flash to plunge into the ripeness, then coming back out covered in the sticky seeds. 

Repeated licks, long, slow, obscene, your eyes locked on mine, your cock hot and hard through the fabric, straining against my sole, my cunt getting more flushed, wetter and hotter as I watched you, as if you were eating out of me and not the fruit, as if there was no difference.


Please

I said to myself that I wouldn't post smut aka erotica here. I lied. 
Here is a short, whimsical old one, recycled. 


I’m tired & worn down, miserable & despondent, tense & twitchy. And horny as fuck.


I want no, I need - someone to take it. Just take it.


At least in fantasy.


Fucking take it all.


Hurt for me.


Not in the roleplay ''for me'' way whose aim is really to get him off, but for me. Because I want it. Because I need it.


Kneel. Now.


Freely.


So I know that he can get up, step away, any time. So I know that that he would be able to stop me because he is physically stronger and unrestrained. 


And yet he doesn't.


Head down, eyes up. 


“Please hurt me”.

I want to see an exposed back, a bare ass, and mark it. Maybe make it bleed a little.


I want to hear it, see it, feel it, and taste it. 
The yielding.  And the pain. Both. Given to me. 

Willing. Thankful.


And then, even though he knows how I am today, I want him to offer me his wrists and ankles.


So I can spread him flat on a bed, tie down securely and hurt him some more. 


Every so often reach to my cunt, dip my fingers and let him taste it. Let him taste how doing those things to him turns me on. How every twitch and moan and whimper make me wet. How I wait for the moment his voice breaks, how I wait for the tears to glaze his eyes.


Tell him how hard my clit is, then put my hands on the sides of his neck and press softly. Move one higher and cover his mouth. Feel him gasp and try to catch air.


Pull my soaked knickers off and wipe his whole face with them.


And I’d have you thank me. 

And I’d have you ask me for more.

Sit astride you. Blow smoke into your face. Then, cigarette end to your chest, rapid, forceful touches. Your cock squashed under my ass, enveloped by my slick labia. 


Slap your face. Touch the fresh, just-pink but stinging burn marks. 


Can you feel how wet I am?


I need you to take it. 


I need you to take it willingly and gratefully.  


I need you to show me that you can and that you will. 


I need you to say “thank you” and I need you to say “please” and I need yo to say ''more''. 


I need you to say "yes". 


Please.

Friday, 17 June 2016

Humiliation play, the cuckold fantasy, and kissing the ass of the normative

This is a tweaked rewrite of a post that was originally posted on a attempt at a blog on a platform that was not, in hindsight, the best vehicle for that. Not many people would have seen it, so here it is again.

I like myself some humiliation play now and then. It doesn't invoke the kind of deep, visceral desire, it doesn't feel as much a part of ''me'' as as s-m or some aspects of D/s, but it can be fun, amusing, and occasionally pretty hot too. And, unlike S-M which can only be enjoyed remotely either via a shared fantasy (which is another matter altogether) or becomes a faint, pale facsimile of the real thing, of the thrill of the moment the hand, or leather, hits flesh, of the way the texture of the skin changes as you (well, OK, as *I*) drag nails along it, of hearing, and of feeling the way muscles tense up and relax, the body recoils then relaxes, the breathing rises then slows down... OK, I am getting carried away a little here, but it has been a very long while. Apologies, dear readers. So. Unlike S-M, humiliation play can be done in casual and remote ways available to your truly in the online playground and I have done quite a bit of that.

I am, however, pretty fussy with humiliation play. The kind I enjoy, the kind that gives me a sexual thrill as well as being merely an amusing exercise in compliance on one hand and coming up with ideas for rolling someone in figurative (and occasionally, literal) mud involves acts that my playmate finds humiliating but which are straight-up hot for me. Cum play, confessions, some (but not all) name calling and gender-bending come to mind.

I also have a lifelong penchant for (ideally, tormented and repressed) male bisexuality and some forms of cross-dressing and MMF/mmF.

If you have a mental map of “femdom” scripts and fantasies, you might see where this is going. I’m yet to meet a guy, online or irl, who would be into the above listed stuff and didn't have at least a minor cuckold kink bundled with all that.

All this inspired me to pick apart -- I would call it a deconstruction if I wasn't wary of ghosts of postmodernism biting me on the ass -- the cuckold fantasy script. I have zero experience of actual cuckoldry, both because the realities of my life don't allow me to explore it and, most of all, because it does nothing for me sexually or otherwise. But the fantasy script I am very familiar with, and it's the fantasy and its underlying dynamics that interest me here.

Cuckold fetish is about humiliation

Humiliation is a common kink among male submissives, and I suspect it will remain common as long as normative masculinity and dominance keep overlapping to the degree they do. Which is probably forever.

Cuckold fantasies eroticizes the fear of betrayal, and the associated feelings of shame and inadequacy. The same feelings that humiliation sluts get off on already.

I think cuckoldry is much less about the wife fucking other men as such than about humiliation. Unlike someone in an open relationship, a swinger, or a male in a ''hotwife'' couple, a cuckold isn’t really ‘fine’ with his wife fucking other men. A cuckold finds the wife fucking other men hot, but not in the way a swinger finds it hot. It’s not a joyful embrace, but a tortured one. Humiliation kink is sometimes though to be a form of emotional masochism, and many cuckold fantasies play this chord very loud indeed: in such fantasies cuckold doesn’t participate willingly but is forced by coercion, blackmail or abusive emotional manipulation.

Cuckold humiliation is rooted in shame of emasculation

Being cuckolded provides not just the ultimate humiliation, but also the ultimate emasculation. This explains the common sissy and denial aspects in cuckold scripts.

The fantasy blackmail mentioned above is often based on actual homoerotic urges or cross-dressing, the fantasy emotional abuse on a feeling of sexual inadequacy.

In a standard cuckold script, the cuckold is not-a-real-man, often because of his homoerotic desires, cross-dressing, small dick, “feminine” interests, or even straightforward submissivness. And the fact that he is aroused by the shame reinforces and deepens it.

Normative notions of masculine and feminine are the foundations of the cuckold fetish

That cuckoldry fetish is founded on the normative notions of the masculine is obvious.

What is a little less obvious is that it utilizes a very conventional idea of what is sexually desirable for the woman. For a woman. For any woman.

And what is that universal object of female sexual desire? Why, a Real Man of course. And the Real Man of the cuckold’s fantasy is a stud. A bull is a technical term for the third in a cuckold dynamic, and his masculine appeal is defined by the most stereotypical notions of virile and/or socially successful masculinity.

It’s the kind of man that the cuckold subconsciously fears his wife really desires, the one she longs to be satisfied by, the only kind that will satisfy her. Recognize him? He might be the Big Black Cock in the Big Black Lexus. But he also has quite a bit of Mr Grey about him…

Cuckold fantasy is often NOT a female dominance fantasy

A cuckold fantasy, bi or straight, but especially a straight one, is often not really a femdom fantasy at all. It often is a dominant male, submissive male, (ultimately) submissive female fantasy. 

The core of a cuckold fantasy contains a belief that genuinely dominant women either don’t exist or are not desirable. At its core is an idea of a very conventionally feminine woman who desires a very conventionally dominant man.

Cuckold fantasy is vicariously male dom

But there is more to that. It’s not just the animalistic wife-bull interaction that more than hints at male dominance here.

It’s also the details of the script, and even more, the details of actual, real life re-enactions. It doesn’t just eroticize the fear of betrayal. It also pre-empts and minimizes the betrayal by arranging and controlling it. It’s not about the woman pursuing her pleasure. It’s about controlling her sexuality, even if it means arranging for her to be fucked by another man.

On some level it even seems to me to project the desire to dominate the wife onto an outside party. In at least some cuckold scenarios the “sub” vicariously dominates his (supposedly dominant) wife by using an external proxy (the bull) as a tool. He might envy the bull, identify with him and long to be as desirable as he is.

Real life reality check: In many real life cases of cuckoldry the “sub” is anything but. The ostensible psychological dynamic and the actual psychological dynamic are reversed, not to say screwed up. The desire to know all the details, to pre-approve and vet, to watch, to monitor: these are all about male control, which is fine if you are into that, but it's not fine if it's presented as its oppositeWomen often get pushed into cuckoldry. In real life, men with this fetish can get incredibly demanding, and the whole thing, supposedly about her pleasure, becomes totally centred on his kink, leaving the woman feeling used and degraded - without actual consent to being used and degraded - while maintaining the pretence of exactly the opposite.

Cuckold fantasy ignores the reality of dominant women’s desires

Dominant women don’t secretly want to be dominated. They don’t pine for dominant men while settling for inadequate subs. Dominant women actually,surprise surprise, desire submissive men.

This is where cuckoldry fails for me personally, despite the potential for delicious emotional torment it offers. The bull is always an “alpha”, and even if he’s a sub, he’s an alpha sub: more conventionally masculine and less conventionally submissive than the cuckold. Always. Don’t agree? I’d love to read a cuckold fantasy in which the bull is a “better sub”. No? Maybe I should write one.

Cuckold fantasy dismisses the importance of female sexual needs

I am not so certain of this, and maybe I am simplifying or cherry picking here. But it seems to me that the ultimate pay-off of cuckoldry is not even the humiliation of having the cuck’s nose rubbed in the evidence of betrayal, sometimes literally. Maybe the ultimate pay-off is that she does come back to rub his nose in it. Even if the cuckold ends up never fucking her again, and even if she mocks him for his un-masculine inadequacies, she comes back to him. It’s not just eroticization of the fear of betrayal, it’s reassurance of not being abandoned.

In this interpretation, deep-inside the cuckold neither (really) wants the wife to fuck other men nor is even (really) scared of his wife simply fucking another guy. He’s scared of being left for another man because of his own feelings of sexual inadequacy, rooted in his conventional notions of desirability and masculine/feminine.

Crucially though, a cuckold script doesn’t question any of these notions. Instead, it blows them up to caricature proportions. A typical cuckold fantasy has the wife completely reject the cuckold sexually and yet remain in a relationship with him. There is a certain horror-like beauty to this.

***

And thus, I came to believe that a typical cuckold script, while ostensibly celebrating the pursuit of free sexual satisfaction by a dominant female, actually dismisses desires of dominant women on two levels. Firstly, by pushing a straw-man of a ‘’real man’’ into the position of a default object of female lust. Secondly and more insidiously, by making the woman come back to the cuckold even though she completely sexually rejects him.

This is the paradoxical mindfuck of cuckoldry: in a cuckold fantasy, the wife rejects the cuckold sexually – as evidenced by her betrayal and emphasized by de-sexualization of the cuckold via feminization, forced chastity, denial and similar – yet remains his wife.

Having ranted all over the subject, I feel I need to clarify something: Do I think that realising cuckold fetish, putting those scripts real-life practice is unethical or otherwise wrong? No. Not at all. Consensual anything is -- by default – neither.

I do believe, however – and this is anecdotally confirmed by accounts of women whose partners introduce them to the cuckold fetish – that this fetish, when taken beyond a shared fantasy and into the real life, has a spectacularly high potential for being abused. This is due to the multi-layered mindfuck, involvement of third parties, the essentially tortured-and-twisted nature of the psychological dynamic, and the well-known tendency of humiliation sluts to self-loathe and recoil. I can’t think of many other common kinks that would require as good, clear and honest communication, truly informed consent, mutual trust, mutual respect and aftercare for both parties as cuckoldry.

Personally, though…

I like the socially subversive potential of femdom-ish kink. And cuckoldry is - sometimes literally - about sucking cock of the conventionally desirable. Cuckoldry licks the ass of the normative instead of kicking it.

So, personally? No. Not my thing.

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

Semantics of control or how dominance is not really a kink


I'm probably going to use the term "dominant" quite a lot in this blog, so for clarity here is my personal and subjective definition.

When I say "dominant" here,  I mean "sexually dominant". And what I mean by "sexually dominance" is a desire for, a want of,  a sexual arousal and satisfaction resulting from being in control of sexual interaction.

That's it.  Nothing else and nothing more. I'm not claiming it as a correct definition,  or the best one, it's what works for me and what I mean when I use this term.

Understood like that, dominance/submission is not even a "kink" in the way most other kinks are. It's more of a preference,  a style of doing sex and relating in matters sexual,  a dimension on which everyone who's not asexual can be placed.  It's a "how", not a "what".

In its more extreme forms,  it finds its expression in formal D/s or other kinks that are often included under the BDSM umbrella.

But it's of course also perfectly possible to have kinks which often correlate with dominance/submission without being obviously dominant or submissive. Sado masochism,  cross-dressing,  sensory play,  exhibitionism,  pegging are often used as part of D/s play but can also be done without power exchange or counterintuitively to their obvious associations.  A masochistic dominant flogged by her submissive or a female submissive anally pleasuring her male dom are just two obvious examples.

This confusion between specific kinks and dominance/submission combined with the Hierarchy of Worthy Kink  often seems to result in somewhat disparaging comments the high clergy of HoWK make about "fake doms", "vanilla kinksters", people being "just bottoms" and a whole lot of other snobby,  hierarchical bullshit.

All that is well known stuff.  But stay with me a little longer.  What if we look at it from the other side? What if we remove the kinks from dominance/submission?

I believe it's perfectly possible.  I believe you can be sexually dominant or sexually submissive and not have any "kinks" that would be recognisable as kinks - no freak to get on,  no paraphilias,  no weird shit arousal triggers,  no fetishes, not even liking for rough sex.

It's surely possible to be "traditional vanilla"  in everything you do -  let's say, prefer piv sex in the bedroom, with low lights and no props, an occasional bit of oral - and still be dominant or submissive: to deeply enjoy and get off on being in control or being controlled.

It's accepted that "vanilla kinksters" are all around. I give you vanilla doms and subs, dear readers. They are out there, not even hiding, in plain sight. Ask your auntie Dot.