Humiliation play, the cuckold fantasy, and kissing the ass of the normative
This is a tweaked
rewrite of a post that was originally posted on a attempt at a blog
on a platform that was not, in hindsight, the best vehicle for that.
Not many people would have seen it, so here it is again.
I like myself some
humiliation play now and then. It doesn't invoke the kind of deep,
visceral desire, it doesn't feel as much a part of ''me'' as as s-m
or some aspects of D/s, but it can be fun, amusing, and occasionally
pretty hot too. And, unlike S-M which can only be enjoyed remotely
either via a shared fantasy (which is another matter altogether) or
becomes a faint, pale facsimile of the real thing, of the thrill of
the moment the hand, or leather, hits flesh, of the way the texture
of the skin changes as you (well, OK, as *I*) drag nails along it, of
hearing, and of feeling the way muscles tense up and relax, the body
recoils then relaxes, the breathing rises then slows down... OK, I am
getting carried away a little here, but it has been a very long
while. Apologies, dear readers. So. Unlike S-M, humiliation play can
be done in casual and remote ways available to your truly in the
online playground and I have done quite a bit of that.
I am, however,
pretty fussy with humiliation play. The kind I enjoy, the kind that
gives me a sexual thrill as well as being merely an amusing exercise
in compliance on one hand and coming up with ideas for rolling
someone in figurative (and occasionally, literal) mud involves acts
that my playmate finds humiliating but which are straight-up hot for
me. Cum play, confessions, some (but not all) name calling and
gender-bending come to mind.
I also have a
lifelong penchant for (ideally, tormented and repressed) male
bisexuality and some forms of cross-dressing and MMF/mmF.
If you have a mental
map of “femdom” scripts and fantasies, you might see where this
is going. I’m yet to meet a guy, online or irl, who would be into
the above listed stuff and didn't have at least a minor cuckold kink
bundled with all that.
All this inspired me
to pick apart -- I would call it a deconstruction if I wasn't wary of
ghosts of postmodernism biting me on the ass -- the cuckold fantasy
script. I have zero experience of actual cuckoldry, both because the
realities of my life don't allow me to explore it and, most of all,
because it does nothing for me sexually or otherwise. But the fantasy
script I am very familiar with, and it's the fantasy and its
underlying dynamics that interest me here.
Cuckold fetish is
Humiliation is a
common kink among male submissives, and I suspect it will remain
common as long as normative masculinity and dominance keep
overlapping to the degree they do. Which is probably forever.
eroticizes the fear of betrayal, and the associated feelings of shame
and inadequacy. The same feelings that humiliation sluts get off on
I think cuckoldry is
much less about the wife fucking other men as such than about humiliation.
Unlike someone in an open relationship, a swinger, or a male in a
''hotwife'' couple, a cuckold isn’t really ‘fine’ with his
wife fucking other men. A cuckold finds the
wife fucking other men hot, but not in the way a swinger finds it
hot. It’s not a joyful embrace, but a tortured one. Humiliation
kink is sometimes though to be a form of emotional masochism, and
many cuckold fantasies play this chord very loud indeed: in such
fantasies cuckold doesn’t participate willingly but is forced by
coercion, blackmail or abusive emotional manipulation.
is rooted in shame of emasculation
provides not just the ultimate humiliation, but also the ultimate
emasculation. This explains the common sissy and denial aspects in
blackmail mentioned above is often based on actual homoerotic urges
or cross-dressing, the fantasy emotional abuse on a feeling of sexual
In a standard
cuckold script, the cuckold is not-a-real-man, often because of his
homoerotic desires, cross-dressing, small dick, “feminine”
interests, or even straightforward submissivness. And the fact that he is
aroused by the shame reinforces and deepens it.
Normative notions of
masculine and feminine are the foundations of the cuckold fetish
fetish is founded on the normative notions of the masculine is
What is a little
less obvious is that it utilizes a very conventional idea of what is
sexually desirable for the woman. For a woman. For any woman.
And what is that
universal object of female sexual desire? Why, a Real Man of course. And the Real Man of
the cuckold’s fantasy is a stud. A bull is a technical term for the
third in a cuckold dynamic, and his masculine
appeal is defined by the most stereotypical notions of virile and/or
socially successful masculinity.
It’s the kind of
man that the cuckold subconsciously fears his wife really desires,
the one she longs to be satisfied by, the only kind that will satisfy
her. Recognize him? He might be the Big Black Cock in the Big Black
Lexus. But he also has quite a bit of Mr Grey about him…
Cuckold fantasy is
often NOT a female dominance fantasy
A cuckold fantasy,
bi or straight, but especially a straight one, is often not really a
femdom fantasy at all. It often is a dominant male, submissive male,
(ultimately) submissive female fantasy.
The core of a cuckold fantasy
contains a belief that genuinely dominant women either don’t exist
or are not desirable. At its core is an idea of a very conventionally
feminine woman who desires a very conventionally dominant man.
Cuckold fantasy is vicariously male dom
But there is more to
that. It’s not just the animalistic wife-bull interaction that more
than hints at male dominance here.
It’s also the
details of the script, and even more, the details of actual, real
life re-enactions. It doesn’t just eroticize the fear of betrayal.
It also pre-empts and minimizes the betrayal by arranging and
controlling it. It’s not about the woman pursuing her pleasure.
It’s about controlling her sexuality, even if it means arranging
for her to be fucked by another man.
On some level it
even seems to me to project the desire to dominate the wife onto an
outside party. In at least some cuckold scenarios the “sub”
vicariously dominates his (supposedly dominant) wife by using an
external proxy (the bull) as a tool. He might envy the bull, identify with him and long to be as desirable as he is.
Real life reality
check: In many real life cases of cuckoldry the “sub” is anything
but. The ostensible psychological dynamic and the actual
psychological dynamic are reversed, not to say screwed up. The desire
to know all the details, to pre-approve and vet, to watch, to
monitor: these are all about male control, which is fine if you are
into that, but it's not fine if it's presented as its opposite. Women often get pushed into cuckoldry. In real life, men
with this fetish can get incredibly demanding, and the whole thing,
supposedly about her pleasure, becomes totally centred on his kink,
leaving the woman feeling used and degraded - without actual consent
to being used and degraded - while maintaining the pretence of
exactly the opposite.
ignores the reality of dominant women’s desires
Dominant women don’t
secretly want to be dominated. They don’t pine for dominant men while settling for inadequate subs. Dominant women actually,surprise surprise, desire submissive men.
This is where
cuckoldry fails for me personally, despite the potential for delicious emotional torment it offers. The bull is always an
“alpha”, and even if he’s a sub, he’s an alpha sub: more
conventionally masculine and less conventionally submissive than the
cuckold. Always. Don’t agree? I’d love to read a cuckold fantasy
in which the bull is a “better sub”. No? Maybe I should write
dismisses the importance of female sexual needs
I am not so certain
of this, and maybe I am simplifying or cherry picking here. But it seems
to me that the ultimate pay-off
of cuckoldry is not even the humiliation of having the cuck’s nose
rubbed in the evidence of betrayal, sometimes literally. Maybe the
ultimate pay-off is that she does come back to rub his nose in it.
Even if the cuckold ends up never fucking her again, and even if she
mocks him for his un-masculine inadequacies, she comes back to him.
It’s not just eroticization of the fear of betrayal, it’s
reassurance of not being abandoned.
interpretation, deep-inside the cuckold neither (really) wants the
wife to fuck other men nor is even (really) scared of his wife simply
fucking another guy. He’s scared of being left for another man
because of his own feelings of sexual inadequacy, rooted in his
conventional notions of desirability and masculine/feminine.
Crucially though, a
cuckold script doesn’t question any of these notions. Instead, it
blows them up to caricature proportions. A typical cuckold fantasy
has the wife completely reject the cuckold sexually and yet remain in
a relationship with him. There is a certain horror-like beauty to
And thus, I came to
believe that a typical cuckold script, while ostensibly celebrating
the pursuit of free sexual satisfaction by a dominant female,
actually dismisses desires of dominant women on two levels. Firstly,
by pushing a straw-man of a ‘’real man’’ into the position of
a default object of female lust. Secondly and more insidiously, by
making the woman come back to the cuckold even though she completely
sexually rejects him.
This is the
paradoxical mindfuck of cuckoldry: in a cuckold fantasy, the wife
rejects the cuckold sexually – as evidenced by her betrayal and
emphasized by de-sexualization of the cuckold via feminization,
forced chastity, denial and similar – yet remains his wife.
Having ranted all
over the subject, I feel I need to clarify something: Do I think that
realising cuckold fetish, putting those scripts real-life practice is
unethical or otherwise wrong? No. Not at all. Consensual anything is
-- by default – neither.
I do believe,
however – and this is anecdotally confirmed by accounts of women
whose partners introduce them to the cuckold fetish – that this
fetish, when taken beyond a shared fantasy and into the real life,
has a spectacularly high potential for being abused. This is due to
the multi-layered mindfuck, involvement of third parties, the
essentially tortured-and-twisted nature of the psychological dynamic,
and the well-known tendency of humiliation sluts to self-loathe and
recoil. I can’t think of many other common kinks that would require
as good, clear and honest communication, truly informed consent,
mutual trust, mutual respect and aftercare for both parties as
I like the socially
subversive potential of femdom-ish kink. And cuckoldry is - sometimes
literally - about sucking cock of the conventionally desirable.
Cuckoldry licks the ass of the normative instead of kicking it.