Thursday, 29 September 2016

Two modes

I read this post by DomSigns, and was going to comment but (as usual) I started to go on for too long so it turned into a post of my own.

As I was reading Michael's post I realised not just the dominant side of my sexuality but my sexuality as a whole operates in these two modes of sexual engagement, and they can kick in regardless of whether there is a kink/fetish element to what I actually do.

One is what I think of as immediate carnal lust. It can be a greedy, I-want-it-now, grabby want. A kinky version might look like this, a more vanilla one would lack the name-calling or panty gag, and the pulling and pushing would be toned down, but be roughly similar. It can be slower, more luxurious massage-my-back-and-lick-your-way-down-my-spine indulgence. Either way, it's about the hot and the wet, the giving myself to the moment and taking what I want from it.

The other is just as DomSigns describes: oddly detached while concurrently  completely involved state of being. It's a process that involves both planning and on-the-go adjustments, doing things and gauging results, observing effects and experiencing reactions. Is it hot? Is it passionate? Yes, it's hot, and it can be very passionate, but it is also controlled and to a large degree it's that control - exercised and successful - that makes it hot. And that control applies not just to my partner but to myself too. It's a subtle shift to a space in which things are simultaneously sharply focused and yet distant.

The last paragraph of this fantasy scene is my attempt to describe it: like a trance, although I am not floaty, but so focused on what's happening to him that a large part of me is outside my own mind. There is no role I am playing because there is no ''me'' in the way I usually exist. My self consciousness has diminished, even though I feel acutely aware of what's happening with him and my part in it. It's the ''self'' part that has receded in the slow burning intensity of the now. 

But, as I said above, it's much less about the acts than the state of mind. It took me a while to recognize it for what it is. For a long time I couldn't quite work out what it was that I was doing, I couldn't work out what was in it for me. I was in my early 20's and I thought there was something wrong with me, with the way I would get annoyed if a guy I was having sex with tried to ''make it good for me'', with my desire - my need, even - to make him just be there and let me do my thing. With the way I would be happy not to come (not at the time, I sure would later), not because I wasn't turned on but because that wasn't my priority. Because of what I was getting from those encounters.

The control. And the reactions. The reactions are important.

The reactions are what is in it for me. All of them. Every move, every twitch, every sound. Every breath, deep or shallow. Every moan, let out or stifled. I want to crawl under your skin and inside your mind and I want to know all of it, I want to feel all of it. I want it all.

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