Saturday, 10 December 2016

Humiliate me by making me more like you, oh powerful female

I have written before about the whole host of mental complications I have with humiliation/degradation play in general, as well as made a judgey analysis of my attitudes to a standard cuckold fantasy script.

But I haven't addressed one form of humiliation play that is specific and common in male-sub/fem-dom dynamic, and that is feminization-as-humiliation. From "making" the sub wear female underwear to using neutral female terms of address for him to yelling heavily gendered verbal insults and terms of abuse, F/m humiliation play is rife with humiliation-by-feminization.

And I have so fucking struggled with that for years - more so because my kink epiphany was intimately connected to a relationship with a cross dressing humiliation slut and it took a lot of effort to reframe that particular dynamic in a way that didn't make me feel uncomfortable.

It's complicated because (1) I do kink on humiliation and (2) I do get the fun and occasionally erotic potential of embarrassment and shame associated with breaking the little conventional taboos and most of all because (3) I actually do like myself some gender bending and yes, "feminization". I even wrote smut about it a few times, ranging from stockings-and-heels dressup to full-on passing-as-woman fantasy.

There is a ''but'' - a limit - there and it's a big "but".

Kinks don't exist in social vacuum. Taboos don't just get created behind closed door of nurseries and family homes. Sure, I know that most if not all bdsm play is about consensually playing with things that otherwise would be unethical: abusive, illegal or both. Kink can be intellectually useful by forcing us to examine its underlying assumptions and prejudices. Racial humiliation and humiliation-by-feminization are good subjects for such examination because they would not exist if racism and sexist misogyny didn't exist.

I have extremely little experience of race play and nothing remotely useful to say about it, but I have come across humiliation-by-feminization a lot. It makes my skin crawl, and not in the sexy way.

A caveat is due here: sometimes sissy-humiliation is less about the inferiority of the female and much more about the pathetic inadequacy of a male who longs to become one. The humiliation there can at least partially pivot on you'll never be a good enough woman rather than on  feminine-is-inferior. Not my thing, partially because it makes me sad and mostly because the sissy-aspired hot-pink-polyester femininity is not really my thing. But that's a simple YKINMK *shrugs* case.

On the other hand the humiliate me by pretend-making me assume normative trappings of femininity and yelling gendered slurs in my direction trope is not merely a YKINMKBYKIOK. It makes me resentful, angry, judgemental, and intolerant and very doubtful of the BYKIOK part of that lovely acronym.

Just fucking think about it: you are asking a woman to humiliate and degrade you by making you MORE LIKE HER? And that is supposed to somehow express her power over you? And that is supposed not to mean that being a woman is somehow inferior and degrading in itself?

Yeah, I had the conversations. I have heard the but its' not about it arguments. I have seen it's only degrading for a man not in itself  line numerous times. I remain very un-persuaded.

If humiliation-by-feminization didn't hinge on misogyny, the majority [insert a NotAllMenWhoAreIntoThis tag here] of men who fetishize it would not so frequently express - explicitly state and subconsciously ooze - the most sexists ideas about gender, sexuality, social structure and gender roles that should have remained festering in the darkest miasma of pre-public-sanitation Victorian mire. Not in their kinky roleplay, but in actual conversations about actual life. But they very often - more often than other fetishist, subs, bottoms or even dominants - do.

And finally, if humiliation-by-feminization didn't hinge on misogyny but was simply about gender bending, social inappropriacy, convention breaking and resulting shame/embarrassment, there would be a popular M/f equivalent. 

We would have femsubs cutting their head hair and growing body hair, forbidden to wear makeup, and forced to wear unisex/butch clothes. We would have femsubs donning strapons and servicing real women that their maledoms really desire. We would have femsubs called good boy if they did well in their antisissy role and feeling a mixture of shame and pleasure at such recognition. Humiliation-by-masculinization would be a thing in M/f  kink. But it isn't. In all the years of perusing bdsm themes I have come across such a scenario once, and even that had a lesbian element to it. 

2 comments:

  1. I totally hear what you are saying. I am able to get up on the ledge with you and look over the side to see your point of view.
    For me, however, as a Female Dominant, I can genuinely say that I find it arousing to turn a pretty boy into a girl.
    It isn't even about humiliation for me...unless he really doesn't make a good girl.
    It's about transforming this already girly boy into a GIRL
    and when I strap-on my harness and dildo, I am transformed into the sword wielding male.
    I use his ass like a pussy. I want him to be the girl and know what it is like to be the whole that the tool goes into. To be objectified, to be used.
    Because as females, we all, at one time or another in our lives have felt objectified and used.
    I view feminization as the opposite of misogynistic. I view it as taking the power back.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for that!

      I was mostly writing about the 'feminisation-as-humiliation' aspect, and I do like some feminisation as such (and androgynous/pretty men are really yum, so putting him in stockings or heels, especially if I am in a more masculine mode/dress myself is grand, I do like gender bending a lot, maybe because I could never ever pull androgyny myself so there is an element of vicarious enjoyment there).

      And the used/objectified part is hot for me, though I'd rather... gosh, it's complicated. Maybe it's hotter for me to use/objectify a non-feminized man (or only a little bit) than a thoroughly feminized one?

      But at the end of the day, I can also totally get on that ridge and look over to the other side, intellectually, yet some things don't work for me sexually. Just about, almost grasp it and yet it slips out of my hands... (or any other body part).

      I guess we get turned on by what we get turned on and we can't really do that much about it apart from being open to explore.

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