Tuesday, 6 June 2017

To be had (and why earning orgasms leaves me cold)

I like the notion of orgasm control. I REALLY like the notion of orgasm control. I like it as an expression of power dynamics, and I like it as a play thing in itself: I like the asking, the pleading, the pleasure of saying no, the begging, and the pleasure of saying yes. I like the notion of orgasm ownership which is best expressed as when you don't come, you don't come for me, and when you come you come for me too. I think I like the ownership - the having of it - better than the control, better than the taking of it. I enjoy my playmates' orgasms vicariously as much as I enjoy their denial sadistically.

When someone I enjoy as a sub cheats, and owns up or gets caught, I am less offended or upset by their disobedience and more by the fact that I feel... robbed and denied myself. I feels that something that was - by terms of our agreement - mine was taken away from me.

What goes with the having vs taking aspect of control is that it's about me, and what I want, more than about what my playmate wants. This is how it should be with a dominat, right? Well, yes, right, but... there is a funny thing with male subs who are into denial and orgasm control. There is this notion of earning orgasms, of using denial as actual punishment, and certainly of using orgasms as actual rewards. For real.

It all boils down to using sexual release as a tool to achieve other things, be it a spotless house or numerous cunnilingus orgasms. And I could never, ever get my head round this, especially in a F/m context. And then I read Stabbity's post about domme sex and it all became much more clear to me. I urge you to read all of her post but the most important thing is here: I like control. If my partner can ‘purchase’ sex at any time by completing a certain number of chores, that takes control away from me. 

This is spot on, even if you replace/expand ''chores'' with ''sexual services'' and ''sex'' with ''orgasm''. I REALLY don't like the idea of such bartering. This, to me, is far from the control I enjoy. In fact, it turns me from someone in control, who enjoys the control (i.e. the dominance) for its own sake, who gets off on that control, into a contract-enforcer. A manager, with targets and performance goals for my underlings, with a clear reward and sanction structure. A fucking functionary. And although there is, absolutely, a place for contracts, particularly ones that specify limits and roles, I am not interested in a reward/punishment payout tables that include sexual pleasure.

To rephrase another point Stabbity makes: what happens if I want him to come before he’s finished re-tiling the bathroom? And more so: what happens if I don't want him to come because I really, really enjoy the way he whimpers and begs despite the fact that he did wonderfully in his last task (let's assume we do tasking for the purpose of this argument). Or if he's been really ''good'' but I don't feel all that horny and, fully aware of the whole time/age/libido relationship, don't want to waste his orgasm when I am not really into it?

And - perhaps most of all: if he's been not so very ''good'' but I want to enjoy him?

To put it very clearly: an orgasm that comes out of a set payout schedule is not an orgasm I truly control or own. It's transactional and not much fun for me. No, there is nothing you can do to ''earn'' one, though if you are slutty and filthy and demonstrate just how much you need one without sliding into annoying petulance, I might get turned on enough to change my mind.

But if I don't, invoking your good behaviour and trying to show me how much you DESERVE an orgasm will annoy me. Not into a mean domme frame of mind, but into a pissed off person who feels she's being controlled or manipulated one.


If I ever had a LTR RL dynamic in which some form of male chastity/denial featured, I'd like it to look a lot like what is described here on the edge of vanilla

And for my perfect fantasy version of orgasm control, see how it's starting to shape up in the new story sequence.

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