I have had the idea of writing on *how to find a dominant woman interested in playing online* for a while now. After all I spent nearly ten years playing remotely. I even wrote a decent enough intro. And then, intro done, I typed this:
**OK, OK, I get it all, now tell me how to find an online domme who won't want pay for play**
And you know what?
I realized that I had no idea whatsoever. None.
Most of my successful (enjoyable to both parties and longer than a one-off wank) remote play dynamics developed organically. But sometimes the one-off wanks were great. And occasionally they turned into several-times-wanks. Or more. It's a bit like one night stands. Most are just one night stands, and then you end up marrying one.
Most of the time I wasn't specifically looking. I was open to possibilities. But sometimes I was looking. Or almost looking. Or bored out of my mind. Or horny af. Or sad. Or trying to figure out something new about my desire. Or just posted a tits picture online because somebody pissed me off by saying posting tits pics online was unworthy of intelligent/self-esteeming/serious/decent women, so I felt like making a fuck-you statement and somebody replied and I liked the words he used. Or I watched a clip of a guy edging hard and it made me wet so I told him.
Still, most of these exchanges started as conversations. Very often conversations about sexual matters and kink mixed with other topics. Play dynamic, when it did happen, developed later. So it was led with sex and led with kink, but not in a we-will-sex-together way necessarily.
Most of my online play encounters and relationships originated on Twitter. Almost all of them outside the sexy/kinky/porn Twitter. But some there too. Others were guys who read my smut posted on various smut sharing websites. Couple were from collarme.com or aff/alt.com (I know, right?). Oh, an Omegle before the bot infestation (groan to your heart's content, darling). But mostly from not-quite-obviously-kinky Twitter. I don't think it's a rule tbh, I think it's just where I spent most of my online time most of the time. And having an environment to interact in in a low key (favs & RTs) when you are not playing is quite a good way of maintaining a low-key connection in between.
Still, I have no idea what you can do to find an online toppy woman to play with. You need to work it out for yourself, somehow. I think finding a woman who loves sexting who has a toppy side is your best bet. And tbh, most of the guys who were interested, I did not play with anyway. So you might be better irl anyway.
Anyhow. Instead of telling you how to find that Other Kind of Unicorn, I am going to tell you how to make online play more attractive to a dominant/top. This might be of some use if you meet one that's kinda willing but reluctant to try or had previous unsatisfying experiences, or if you find someone who likes sexting generally but isn't sure about ''remote D/s''.
Caveat: I have not surveyed a representative sample of D-type women who ever enjoyed online play. The advice below is based almost exclusively on my personal experience of about 10 years of playing online. I have no idea if other women would agree with my suggestions (and if any are reading, please do comment).
**What is online F/m play anyway?**
Assuming kink is sexual for you -- and if it is not, you will find remote play much less of a viable option -- online play ranges from what could be described as interactive porn through having a masturbation partner to having a fuck buddy to having a friend with benefits to having a lover.
At its best it will be a combination of the last two: a lover and a friend. These are rare. Anything more -- a ''relationship'' in a sense of some kind of committed coupledom -- is almost unheard of unless done as a long distance part of a real-life relationship.
The question of whether you're likely to enjoy online play is almost entirely dependent on whether the idea of having a wank buddy or (in rare cases) a friend-with-benefits appeals to you in principle.
The play can take two main forms, while most is, of course, somewhere in between:
1) Sharing a fantasy scenario of the [unzips], [slaps face] & [whimpers quietly] variety. The kind of play that used to be called cybersex before Google was a thing. Heavily text based, and depending on how good your and your playmate's imagination is, it can be great fun. I write more about it in my post about cybersex a few writings below.
2) Actually doing actual D/s. This is naturally limited in the remote/online scenario and will usually take a form of T/b play, perhaps within the context of overall control by the dominant if (and it's a fairly big if) you develop a more sustained dynamic.
What is possible here varies a lot depending on your (''your'' encompassing both sides of the slash) specific kinks and the forms of communication you have at your disposal, from posting physical stuff using snail mail to voice and cam/Skype (I have never done cam personally but I know it works for many people with long distance dynamics).
Service is VERY difficult to do remotely. It is even more difficult if one or both parties are anonymous and unwilling to disclose their RL identity (common in remote play). But it is not impossible. From proofreading to web design, from finding products or optimal travel arrangements to researching topics, there is actually quite a lot of things that a remote sub can do for a remote dominant that could be of non-sexual service.
Most of it, however, would likely involve some form of directly sexual or eroticised control, topping over distance, giving tasks, probably combined with a bit of fantasy sexting I mention in point 1 above (and which I talk about in greater detail in my post about cybersex from few weeks ago).
For obvious reasons, you are much less likely to find remote play satisfying if your kinks involve physical sadomasochism at hands of another. Virtual hands don't quite work the same, and it is simply not possible to self-inflict a great majority of pain, impact etc. Not to mention bondage. Self-inflicted CBT is, on the other hand, quite doable, so yields itself to very yummy virtual and vicarious application, if CBT is your thing.
Humiliation, degradation, orgasm denial, chastity (both device and honour based), T&D, controlling masturbation, dress, behaviour, other aspects of selective micromanagement... all those and many more things ARE doable remotely.
But here is a thing.
>>All those things, when done remotely, are much more likely to be **easily** enjoyable to the bottom than to the top.
And that simple fact (whys in a moment) largely explains, in my opinion, the massive disparity between the number of s-type men looking for online play and the number of D-type women interested.
Remember this point. I will go back to it later.
**The great paradox of online play**
On the one hand, it can offer an almost complete masturbatory anonymity (one-off, very short term) with almost-replaceable partners (if you can find one) to project your fantasies on and egg you along.
And for more involved play, the virtual environment creates a wonderful bubble in which to enjoy a NRE free of any physical world distractions.
But here is another thing.
>>The same bubble who is so attractive, addictive even, to start with, means that if you want to create anything more long lasting and with more range than merely the above shared wank-fun, you actually need a very strong personal connection.
>>You need to really really want and need that particular person. What you have together needs to be extra special, because online you have no other investment factors.
You don't share any time than what you purposefully decide to give each other. You don't usually develop shared friends, activities, projects (in fact I think that some kind of project/activity is important anyway). You -- obviously -- won't move together or have children. Plus, the costs of ending it are so low as to be non-existent. A block button, a deleted profile. You don't even need to say bye.
So that's the mindfuck of virtual play. The environment that fosters a perfect infatuation, is also one in which taking anything beyond that infatuation is really hard.
**And now for the One Funny Trick that will help you make online play more enjoyable for the toppy woman at the other end of the Internet**
Remember my first "here is a thing" above? Topping remotely is much (much) (much) more likely to be enjoyable for the bottom than for the top.
Why? Because many toppy people are *reaction junkies*. And that applies not just to impact play, sensory play, bondage, etc. It also applies to emotional/psychological topping, for example humiliation, and it includes control/obedience as a kink, as in giving orders or tasks.
Many guys who want to play online don't seem to have an idea of what it is that a top gets out of the interaction. To start with, I also had no clear idea. I knew some instances were ''better" and some "worse" but I didn't know why. Until I met someone who did it right, who at times provided a nearly breath-by-breath report of *what was going on with him*. From basic physiology (*breaths shallow and fast*) to arousal (*this made my cock twitch*) to more general sensory response (*warm and tingling, feeling floaty*) to specific, elaborate descriptions of thoughts, feelings, mental and physical sensations in relation to specific things I did, said, requested.
Pictures (and video) can provide some of this information, but it depends on how visual the person is, and often text or audio are much better at conveying it.
I am old and grumpy so I would be tempted to say that sexting with photos and especially camming means that the young generations especially don't develop these (mostly text based) feedback skills necessary for mutually satisfying remote play. But I don't know if this is really anything to do with age or medium. I think many men are not used to focusing on their own sensations or states and even less used to expressing those states using their words. They will be more likely to respond with action fantasy or thoughts. The number of times I said *no, don't tell me what you would do to/for me, or what you want me to do to/for you, tell me what you are feeling now*. At some point I actually wrote up a short, standard spiel that I had my potential playmates study that explained all that, with examples.
Some people do it naturally. Some can learn. Others either cannot or will not. It might not come naturally to you. It might be that your play partner wants a specific kind of response, different to what I mention here, limited to certain type of feedback, in a specific form. But they will almost certainly want SOME kind of feedback reaction. And "Yes, Miss" is almost certainly not that kind of reaction.
Knowing that you complied, especially with a visual proof, is good, but is nowhere near enough. The doing itself is often not the point. The point is often *what the doing is doing to you*. And this isn't necessarily obvious or clear. Even on cam.
>I'm high as fuck. I'm trying to describe this but I can't, too washed away. There's a thin rim of pain around my head. Breathing is fucked. Shaking. Stomach in knots. Heart is pounding hard, though not too fast.
>It's sooo hot.
And talking about asking question, and making it easier...
**Think of what is in it for her.**
I made one suggestion above, regarding reactions feedback. But I am not your online top, so I don't know what she is getting out of it, what would make her happy and wanting more. Ask her. Ask her on the meta level, human to human. Ask her how and what she wants you to report and respond.
Don't just lie there and think of England (or making your cock and your sub mind happy). Be responsive, but also be proactive. Give her ideas without making them into demands or requests. Be honest with your feedback about things that don't work without making it sound as complaints.
Ultimately, be aware of built-in obsolescence of online play. I have never had a **sustained** ''dynamic'' last more than about four months. In most cases, significantly shorter. Even intense stuff will either evolve to meeting irl, or will fizzle out/crash on the demands of rl and on the fact that it's difficult to maintain intensity generally, and it's harder remotely.
So prepare for this if you are getting involved in a more sustained D/s-y interaction. What will happen when it burns out/fizzles out? Will you stay in touch? Will you say thanks and bye? How will you know it's time to close that virtual playroom? Who will make that decision? Is there an endpoint built into your initial arrangement? A date for review? I like having end points and review dates, because it makes things less awkward once they start to coagulate.
Having said that, I am going to contradict myself and say that I have a few virtual friends whom I have know for several years, men I have never met in flesh and with whom I do play in some form, now and then. Each case is more of a fwb than a booty call, and it's not formalised in any way. We know what kind of relationship we have, we know what we are likely to do, and what we like, and it usually starts with a soft opening along the lines of ''this thing reminded me of you'' or "I saw something I thought you might like" from one of the parties. If both are into playing, we take it from there, and it can lead to an elaborate ''scene'' with props or to a spontaneous sexting episode.